Awesome blog. God Bless.
Thank you. Be blessed!
What happened?
I was always very in touch with my creative, artsy side. Sadly, with the chaos of everyday life, I somehow lost it within the past years. I used to sit in my room for hours and write, draw, paint, CREATE SOMETHING. I used to go down to museums by myself for alone time and just take everything in. Take in the colors, details, and thoughts. I used to sort through the mess in my head by throwing myself around beauty, and seeing the beauty in everything.
I have become such a negative person in the last 3 years. After a horrible relationship ending, everything about me felt shot. It started happening a bit before that relationship, but let’s just say that finding out your boyfriend is cheating on you with a friend from your church isn’t exactly a self esteem booster. For the first time in my life, I became so weak and allowed myself to be blamed for that relationship falling apart. I was working like crazy, and going to school, so I didn’t exactly give him a lot of time. Was it any reason to cheat on me with the person I was crying to? No. But I let myself believe it was a decent excuse at the time. I pretty much lost my backbone. After that, I threw myself into more work, more school, just to keep myself busy. Somehow, I still managed to be in more failed relationships, all ending from me just not giving 100%. I was still emotionally exhausted from the relationship in 2009 that I didn’t really see the point in “trying.” I was a new Christian, but struggling a lot. I was so traumatized from dating “Christian guys” due to getting cheated on, that I made it okay in my head to date non-Christians. They all led to the same ending and me shrugging my shoulders and moving on.
I quit writing at a time that I should have been writing the most. I can’t imagine the writings that would have been created during that time. Instead, I feel like I lost my talents. Writing, gone. Painting, gone. Drawing, gone. Music, gone. Web design, gone. Myself, gone. Partying, hate (of self and others), lack of control…all of that came flooding back in. I had become everything I looked down upon. Thankfully, 2 of those lasted a short bit, and I started getting back into the Word, going to church, surrounding myself with either people I could learn from or no one. But, the hatred was still there. The emotional and mental ruins, the hurt, the wounds, the scars, and everything was still very present. I couldn’t bring myself to really do anything creative. I remember one time I brought out my sketch book and started sketching. Everything was looking like something done by a 1 year old and I couldn’t manage to get it right. I flipped through the pages of all the things I once sketched up, got upset, and threw it away. In a matter of seconds, I gave up on my talent. I have another sketch book, but they were sketches from junior high and not exactly some of my best work.
I hadn’t done anything creative since then, and that was in 2009. My most recent “artsy thing” was when I went with my husband to a Vladimir Kush gallery this year, but other than that, I’m just stuck in working, politics, and theological discussions. Not that any of that is bad, because I love all 3, but it’d nice to get back into painting where my mind is free of all intellectual speech, and just be so lost in colors again, with my brain shut off. I talked to my husband about it last night, and he’s definitely on board with not only myself, but him as well, getting back to our creative sides. Between the both of us, there’s a lot of God given talents, and we both know we should be using them. Hopefully, our children get that, too :)
